I'll be the awkward one, in the back, staring at the floor

On Wednesday I had lunch with Becky.  Well, it was meant to be lunch, but it lasted 4 hours. I hadn't seen her for a while, so there was a lot to talk about.  More specifically, I hadn't seen her since just before her Grandpa died a month ago and she went to California for a week. Which brought us to the topic of death.
We discussed death, funerals, connections to people and how we deal with grief.

Not surprisingly, another weird thing we have in common: The inability to deal with death. We talked about never knowing what to say to someone that's lost a loved one. Do you leave them alone?  Do you suffocate them with, "Do you need anything? Can I make you a casserole? Do you need your car vacuumed?" 

I admitted that I pretty much leave people alone.  I'll tell them I'm sorry and ask if there's anything I can do for them, and then I let them be.  Maybe that's how I'd like to be treated? I don't know. Maybe I just feel so awkward knowing what they're going through that I don't even want to talk about it with them. Probably.

We talked for quite awhile about this, and I realized how weird death makes me. Almost like I can't even handle being around a person that's lost someone because I genuinely do not know what to do.  I feel retarded and completely useless.  I hurt for them, yet can't quite let them know. It probably makes me look like an emotionless asshole, when it's exactly the opposite.
I thought about things that I'd try to do from now on when presented with this situation.

And then yesterday, as I was climbing in the truck to go to a softball game with Manuel, he was on the phone with his Mom.  She was telling him that his cousin had died. 

Here it was.  So soon.  And I froze.

My heart broke. 
There was no outward way Manny could have known it, but it did.

Knowing that someone I care about is instantly in pain kills me.
Especially when I can't seem to even verbalize my condolences.

So here it is.  Friends, when you lose someone you love, if you need me, just tell me.  I'd do anything for you, and I'll be wishing I could.

Otherwise, know that I'll be here quietly worrying about you.
I'll probably just never be able to tell you.

How my genuis overactive imagination possibly saved my life.

Today I had an imaginary conversation with an imaginary doctor.

I said, "Doc, I got a problem.  Sometimes, when I'm on the interwebz, my heart starts racing and I break into a cold sweat. I think I have blood pressure issues. It runs in the family."

Doc Said, "Does this happen every time you're on the interwebz, or does it happen when you're on a specific website?"

I thought about this for a minute and answered, "Facebook."

"Hmmmmm." He says, "I've seen this before."

"You have?! Is there a cure?!!"


"Yes.  You must delete or hide all your crazy conservative acquaintances that post bullshit illogical and unfounded status updates including but not limited to:  President Obama being Muslim, President Obama being an illegal immigrant, President Obama personally taking away loaded guns hidden under their mattresses, President Obama being a Nazi, President Obama leading a secret Communist Regime, President Obama killing Grandmas, Nancy Pelosi being a zombie child-eater, and Health Care reform leading to the apocalypse."

"....... No shit?"



"No shit."



So, crazy rabid christian conservative acquaintances: I'm sorry if I miss a status update that has worth.  I'm sorry if I miss a post about how your child graduated kindergarten, your new car or how your great-aunt died.  I had to hide you all for my health.

I'd hate to have an aneurysm and find out what death panels are like.

I now know why Bret Michaels looks the way he does. Partying like a rock star is hard.

As I sat in a weird Chinese/Thai Restaurant in Salt Lake City, I quietly thought about what I'd done in the days prior.  I was quickly saddened by the thought that already the things that had happened were just memories.  I was no longer in the land of sunshine, strippers and liquor samples.  I had arrived home to Utah.

Wednesday.

I got to my brother's house to find that he'd pretty much forgotten about taking me to the airport.  We called, he didn't answer.  Great.   As if I don't already get freaked out enough about traveling, my own brother was unknowingly adding to the panic inside.  As Guy was getting ready to take me himself, James showed up. At least he admits he forgot about me.

My flight ended up being almost an hour and a half late, and while sitting on the tarmac, they announce that they'll be a few minutes longer since they need to de-ice the plane.  I don't really know WHY that scares the hell out of me... maybe just the thought that ICE can bring down this big giant mother bird.
Needless to say, my trip wasn't off to a great start for someone that has severe travel OCD.
Thankfully, I didn't have to sit next to anyone that was obnoxious, smelly or huge. That probably would have sent me over the edge.

I arrived in Las Vegas at almost 11pm Utah time. I was tired, but relieved.  It's always such a great sight to see Jeni waiting at baggage claim. Love that girl.

On our way out of the airport, she asks what I'd like to do.
Half of me wants to just go to sleep, the other half, realizing that it is in Vegas, wants to party.
She throws a few ideas out and mentions a cowboy bar that has Wednesday Ladies Night.     The mention of "cowboy bar"  is not very appealing at this point, but when she throws out the "dollar drinks" part.... that's when the wheels start turning.

We end up at Revolver which despite being cowboyed out, is actually a pretty badass bar.  Complete with armadillo disco ball.  Oh, and mechanical bull....
"Dollar drinks" actually end up being "Free Drinks"  and that contributed to the fact that I ended up on top of said mechanical bull.

After my (barely) 8 second ride, we had 3am burgers and hit the sack.

Thursday.

We woke up and headed to In-N-Out burger, and then to the Premium Outlets.
I heart that place.  Mostly because of the Hurley outlet.  I bought 2 hoodies, 3 tanktops and 3 nice shirts for Manny and only spent a Benjamin.  Pretty damn good, I'd say.   And brilliant of me to foresee this happening and pack a duffel bag.

After shopping, we went back to Jeni's to get all dolled up for our night out.

We ate at the Rio Buffet which is AMAZING.  I love buffets even more than I love Hurley. And I love Hurley a way lot. We ate as much as we possibly could while still fitting in our party dresses, and headed upstairs for the Chippendales show.

After the show, we got our posters autographed by a couple of the guys who were actually super nice, given that they know perfectly well they could be attacked at any moment by a hoard of lusty rabid women.

After the show we got in the elevator and headed to the 51st floor of the Rio to VooDoo.   Here was introduced to the Witch Doctor.

The Witch Doctor is a lovely concoction of god-knows-what.  We tried to pay attention to what all went in this delightful beverage, but lost track when the bartender was free-pouring four bottles at the same time.  There's something Utahns NEVER SEE. Free-pouring.   My love affair with Nevada grows stronger.

The view on the deck at VooDoo is AMAZING.

We drank, danced and enjoyed the view for hours, until I was pretty sure my legs were going to fall off.  I could have gone home with a guy that claimed he's been  mistaken for Usher.  I called bullshit, but he bought me a beer anyway.

Friday.

We visited my other favorite shopping center, Town Square.
Home of the Yard House, Yogurtland & H&M.
I had a seared ahi sandwich at the Yard House with a draft Sapporo.  It's pretty hard to choose what to have when there are 140 draft options.  Another thing Utahns never get to witness. 

That night we went to the Spazmatics show. They're a really great 80's coverband that dress like nerds.  Very entertaining.  And cheap.  I was a pretty big fan of paying $2 for Bud Light instead of $8 for Heineken like the night before.
Post show consisted of 1am sweet potato fries.


Saturday.

We went to the Santa Fe Station for their lunch buffet.  Mmmm more buffet food :)   After lunch we went downtown to look at the new City Center  project.
(Ok, seriously click on that link because that website is super cool)

It has a huge shopping center full of stores I'd never be able to afford shopping in, and several new ritzy hotels.

After spending time downtown we stopped at a discount liquor store where they were actually serving samples.  SAMPLES!  Nevada was making it pretty hard for me to leave her at this point.   I sampled Chambord, which I'll be honest, I probably never would have tried if not for this sample.  It was good!

Stupid Nevada with your loose women, slots and liquor laws.

I purchased an amazing bottle of daquiri mix to take home, and Jeni said "Don't you have that in Utah?"   Well yeah we have daquiri mix, but not like this!  It was more of a puree made of strawberries and awesomeness.  

I made sure to wrap it good in plastic bags for its journey home so if it spilled it wouldn't get all over everything, and when I got home, it had been taken out of all it's wrappers and shoved in my suitcase on top of everything. Luckily it didn't spill, but I was still a little bent at the TSA folks for not putting it back properly.  

Now I realize that it probably looked a little like a pipe bomb, so I guess I can't be too mad at them for going through my stuff.  It makes up for me sneaking through security in Salt Lake with my shoes still on.  I got patted down for having a hoodie on, but no one mentioned my shoes.  Hmm.

Saturday night we had all you can eat sushi.  And boy did we.  I thought I was going to die from mercury poisoning I ate so much raw fish.  

We had big plans to watch movies and drink what we'd purchased that day, but after getting home from sushi, I passed out.   I curled up on my air mattress in front of the TV and was gone.  Fetal position and all.  I woke up at 11pm and apologized to Jeni for being such a lame-o.  I was totally rock-starred out.  My inner Utahn was creeping back in telling me that it was time to head back to Zion and continue on my journey of uneventfullness.


Sunday.

And there I was.  Sitting with James and Patrick at East Sea thinking about the madness that was my vacation.   That's the awful thing about them.  They're amazing, and they make you want more, but sooner or later you get back to real life and start to forget they ever happened.


Congratulations if you actually made it to the end of this intensely long blog. You're probably as tired from reading it as I was from living it :)

Apparently, while I was on the couch knitting, completely unaware, I obtained a life.

Life has been completely INSANE lately.
If Dolly the cloned sheep would have turned out a little better, I'd possibly consider investing in an ernclone, but really... something just didn't look right with that sheep.

Quick recap:

Last weekend I was in Las Vegas (blog coming soon). The week prior to this trip consisted of me busting my ass trying to get everything done to go.

This weekend was filled with a signing event for my Dad's book ZOOMER.  (Click here for shameless plug)
It was a lot of work getting everything ready for it but it turned out wonderfully and I couldn't be more proud of my Dad. 
Seriously- He has a published BOOK.  So rad.

Next weekend is our second Earth Fest, which I'll be working like mad to get ready for all week, then it's off to Wendover.

I somehow managed to find time to hang out with the besties Sunday night.  We grilled salmon, had an impromptu evening game of wiffle ball (where I learned that batting is my hidden calling in life. Who knew? I also learned that paying extra for Wiffle brand balls is probably worth it since we obliterated half the cheapo ones I bought....)  and listened to Aaron show off his recently acquired electric guitar skills. The kid's a badass.
Somehow his cord accidentally made its way into the socket of Manny's karaoke speakers in the garage, so the whole neighborhood also got to hear how good Aaron's gotten at 10-second 80's-band guitar riffs. 
Free Sunday concert, HELLO neighbors!

It's nights like this that make me remember why I love my friends.  A select few doing what they do best.  Being total jackasses.  And loving every minute of it.

Dear Blog.

I haven't forgotten about you. Promise.

I've just been super busy and stuff.

I hope that sometime in the near future we can get together and talk about what's been going on.  Mostly what's been going on with me, because, let's be honest, nothing is happening with you.  You're nothing without me and my adventures.

Sometimes the truth hurts.

Love, ern.

Even the trannys are hotter than me.

Dear Las Vegas,

I love you for so many reasons.  Your pretty lights, your exciting atmosphere.
People come to you for a good time, and you don't fail them.
But at the same time, you totally make people feel like shit.
You're full of so many pretty, pretty ladies.
It's hard for a little country girl to compete with the style and fashion of a big city.
I've agonized over what to pack when I come to you for weeks. And now on the eve of my departure, I've totally given up.
Every year I come to you, and every year there's the equivalent of 500 Kardashian sisters waiting for me at the airport.  Seriously bitches, please explain to me how you walk around all day in 4" heels.
I digress.
Las Vegas, I love you, but I seriously hate how frumpy you make me feel.

Hugs & Kisses,
ern.

Sorry Harley, you can't come with Mommy :(

Reason #812 why I should keep Manny. And probably why he should dump me.

Me: Did you turn the heater off?
Manny: No. Did you?
No. You were the last one downstairs.
Yeah, but you're the Ice Queen Heater Nazi.
Whatever.     Do you think there's air in the microwave?
Air in the microwave?
Yeah... for like... plants and stuff.
*sigh*  Did you put your pansies in the microwave?
Yeah..... Can you put them in the bathroom where the cats can't get them and shut the door?
Why do I need to put them where the cats can't get them if I shut the door?
Because they can totally open the door! Hello! And then they'll eat them and there will be pansy puke ALL OVER!
*sigh*
Manny?
Yeah.
I have a pain in my side right now so if my appendix bursts in the night and I die, you can tell them what it was, k?
......ok.