I bid this year an exuberant adieu.

Like a bad ex-boyfriend, I'm throwing all this year's shit out on the lawn and turning on the sprinklers. Don't worry I'll still have those pesky memories of the good times we shared... and its hoodies, you never give those back.

• I got a Facebook page as a social experiment and hated it. I enjoyed the personality that came with MySpace, and I also hated that Facebook told everyone when I was making new friends, playing games at work and taking a piss.
I've slowly come around to Facebook, now that I've figured out how to "hide" people's stupid status updates and keep it from ratting me out when I'm doing things I'm not supposed to. Which is a lot.

• Someone shoved a giant needle through my nostril, and I paid them to do it.

• I learned that I refuse to be crucified for who I am. Take me or leave me. The saying "I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not" is true.  If trying to play nice for the greater good just gets your ass burned in the end, why bother.

• I turned 27. This can easily be rounded up to 30. 30 is old.

• I had part of my cervix removed. Yeah, true story. This was a much bigger deal on the inside than I ever let on. Anytime the cancer word is used in your direction it's a pretty scary thing. This did encourage me to do Relay for Life, which I will not be doing next year. I'm glad I did it once, but next year I'm writing a check. Staying up all night makes ernl homicidal.

• Manuel started doing Karaoke regularly at the B&B. I even sang once.  

• I used to think that what "they" said about guys and girls not being able to be "just friends" was bullshit. I had plenty of duder friends and it was fabulous. They're far less dramatic than women and they like to eat alot. Just like me.
Unfortunately the universe decided to prove me wrong and school me hardcore. The new saying is "Guys and Girls CAN be friends, until the Guy gets a Girl that fucks everything up."

• I developed a fear of water. Nearly drowning in a river will do that to a girl. Water has always done bad things for me, like ruin nearly every electronic device I've ever owned, but not try and kill me until this year.

• We got a basketball hoop. I've wanted one for a long time so that I could become the short white Kobe of the neighborhood. Only, you know, without the hookers and stuff.

• I started collecting knitted squares for charity. To date I'm pretty sure I've got about bazillion in my garage. Ok, really like 800, but it might was well be a bazillion.  I should have thought harder about how I'm going to raise the money to send them to Africa.

Overall, I'd say that this year taught me a lot.  Mostly things I wish I'd never had to learn.  I'm going to try and leave some of last years heartache in last year, and move forward. I would never call that a resolution though, resolutions are for suckers!


 

The spirit of Christmas is presents. And y'all aint gettin' none.

I have managed to not put any presents on my credit card this year.
This is a damn Christmas miracle.

Oh wait, when I start thinking about why I haven't, I realize that it's because I've been a tight ass this year.  I'll apologize in advance to anyone who thinks they might be getting something from me. Instead, you're all getting a hug and a York peppermint patty. But not the big individual ones, the small ones that come in a bag. And only one.

Which brings me to the topic of finding my Christmas present today. Or actually just stumbling upon it.
I went to put some cat toys back in Satan's basket, and there it was.
Haphazardly shoved behind the love seat in the worst hiding spot of all time.

I'm going to be pretty excited on Christmas morning..... and I might be the only one.

Skinny girls are whores. End of discussion.

And I mean "whore"
in the most polite and jealous "everything-looks-good-on-you-stupid-bitches sort of way"......

Yesterday I confirmed something that I'd thought to be true. I'm usually always pretty much absolutely right.
About everything.
But sometimes I have to prove that I'm right to myself.


Fat girls can't wear skinny jeans.


Just because they make them that big does not make it in any way right.

I literally LOLed at myself in the dressing room last night. There was this triangle shaped mess looking back at me and it was hilarious.

Oh well. At least I can add this to my extravagantly long list of "shit I'm right about".

The death of my soulmate(s).

Yesterday I said goodbye to some good friends. Granted, we hadn't connected for the past couple years, it was still hard. Even when you know the time is coming, and denial sets in, it's still hard.

Our relationship started about 8 years ago. We met through our mutual friend, Erica. She convinced me that we'd be great together. I had my reservations, but finally gave in. We spent many happy years together and fond memories. They were always there for me, and swore that their mere presence made my ass look smaller.

We hadn't gotten together for quite a while because of the extent of my friend's deterioration. Every time I saw them, I knew the time was drawing near, but refused to accept it.

Last night was the end.  I put a plastic bag over them and drew it tight.


I put their lifeless bodies in the garbage can and had a moment of silence.

You will be missed, best shoes EVER, you will be missed.

Today begins the rest of my relatively short life

I stumbled upon this website today has this article
7 Thoughts that are bad for you.
It goes through 7 thoughts that supposedly knock minutes off your lifespan.
I'm going to share my thoughts with you on these feelings even without you asking. You're welcome.

7. Cynicism.
Oh, Yeah, I'm definitely a cynic. Or maybe a realist.  I think there's probably a pretty damn fine line between cynicism and realism if you think about it. Apparently being a cynic will give me a 25% greater chance of obtaining heart disease. Well if that isn't cynical...

6. Lack of Meaning.
Apparently, not having goals and aspirations in life will cut your stay short. This does not apply to me. I know full well that the purpose of my life is to be an enigma to modern science and prove that it IS possible to support human life solely on Mt. Dew and 7-11 nachos.

5. Fretting.
I don't really do much of this. Sometimes my verbal vomiting gets me in trouble and I wish for half a second that I wouldn't have said something.... but then I realize that it was probably for the best and  I'm over it. I don't think this will contribute to my untimely demise.

4. Lack of Self Control.
This article seems to express that organization is a big part of self control. I think I'm good here too. Clean stuff goes on hangers, dirty stuff goes on the floor. Don't drink before 5 pm (unless you're on vacation or shopping or depressed or thirsty). Organized AND in control.

3. Anxiety.
I will admit that I have moments of anxiety. When I think about it though, it's mostly other people's actions that make me nervous, not so much my own.  When Manuel flies by the seat of his pants and refuses to make plans 9 months in advance, I get a little bit anxious.  Not my problem though, that's totally his.

2. Gloom and Doom.
Again, this doesn't really apply to me as much as it does other people. I don't have gloom and doom thoughts about myself, but more others. I have a mild case of road rage and often threaten to follow douchey drivers and "teach them a lesson". Manuel then reminds me that he's not going to fight my battles and I make the executive decision of flight rather than fight. What good is a muscular sidekick when he won't fight your ridiculously underthought battles?  I'm holding out that one day he'll defend my honor and redeem himself.

1. Stress.
Ah Stress. I stress at work in short bursts around deadline time, but the rest is pretty smooth sailing. 
I stress at home when my house isn't as clean as my sister's and she's coming over, but I think I've come to the conclusion that it will NEVER be that clean so I might as well give up.
I stress about money pretty regularly, but I guess if that got to be a big enough issue I could always move back home and empty the dishwasher for rent.
I stress about the environment and get upset when people aren't doing their share, but I heard once that a true environmentalist would have to end up committing suicide because they could never fully erase their impact on the earth.
I've stressed a lot this year in particular about relationships and have come to the conclusion that good ones shouldn't stress you out at all.
I don't really stress about my health much because the nachos keep me pretty regular.

It only takes one person to ruin it for the whole class.

So here's the deal, friends.  I realize that having a stalker would imply that I'm super duper neat and rad. Someone thinks I'm bomb diggity enough to obsessively check my blog multiple times per day.
This should bring flattery and reaffirm what I've known all along: 
I'm totally kickass.

HOWEVER. This is not the case. I'm actually annoyed.

If you're one of my subscribers that DOES enjoy my blog and thinks I'm cooler than sliced bread, shoot me an email because I'm going private at the first of the year: lairlyn AT gmail DOT com.
Don't be shy: there are certainly a share of blogs I enjoy reading of people whom I vaguely know or don't know at all.

Blog stalking is fun! Just not when you're the one being stalked, and it's by a creeper that most likely takes voodoo dolls of you to bed instead of taping your picture to the ceiling and hoping the masking tape gives out.

This has been a hard decision since I'm a big fan of saying how I feel and not really caring who knows it.  Oh well.

Get your ern fill while you can, Stalkzilla. You're gettin' cut off!

American Holiday: All about the fatties.

Last night was BFF Thanksgiving 09er.
Some of these little wiseasses made jokes about what they were thankful for, but in reality I think we were all thankful to just be around each other.
Thanksgiving is a great holiday because it revolves around food. If you've not picked up on this little nugget, I'll fill you in.  I love food.
Hello, holiday that encourages you to eat until you cannot physically move and must unbutton your jeans.  WINNER.



<-- Some random crap meticulously placed in a bowl. That's right ladies, you can call me Martha.

 <-- Turkey straight out of the Keg Roaster. Kudos, Keystone Light, you served your purpose well...

 <--Yeah, it was THIS GOOD.
 




 <-- The only time EVER that more than four burners would have come in handy. You can rest now little stove, you probably won't get used again till next year....

<-- Mmmmm this is what Thanksgiving is all about, 3/4 carbs to 1/4 protein ratio :)

<-- PIE. OMG.

<-- Aww. Tender moment.

 <-- Aww. Ruined moment. Jackass.

<-- The girls, and I think there's a Larsen under there somewhere....



I love muh friends and I'm glad we got to do this. Oh, I also love pie. Amen.