I've been doing a lot of soul-searching over the past couple days.
I've been wrestling with ideas concerning whether or not I'm ok with the person I am.
For the most part, I don't much care what people think about me, but lately, it's really been bothering me.
I am highly opinionated and stubborn. I'm also caring and understanding.
I am shy and independent. I'm also honest and trustworthy.
I spent most of my High School career staring at the floor in the halls and shuffling along with the masses. I was a grade-A nerd. My attitude developed the end of my senior year, when I realized that it was ok to be into computers and photography and it was ok to be smart.
I had a lot of animosity towards cheerleaders and the like because they ran the school as though they were better than everyone else... it really bothered me. It also bothered me that I FELT inferior to them. What did they have that I didn't? Looks, of course, but that may have been the beginning and end of the list.
How does someone have power over you to make you feel less of a great person?
I was crying to my newspaper adviser one day in High School, and he said
"You know, Erin, cheerleaders may have it all now... but you can't shake your ass forever".
I'll never forget that.
Anyway, what I'm trying to say, is that there will always be someone that makes you feel less than you know you are. In my case, it was cheerleaders.
I'm over that now, and I know that everyone has something about them that makes them great.
So why now am I feeling like the qualities I think I possess are more like detrimental attributes?
I think people have been known to take my honest approach to life and my openness of opinions to be hurtful, and this is in no way my intent. I choose to live my life wide open. People rarely have to wonder what I'm thinking, or how I'm feeling. It's all out there. I have few secrets. I do not hide what I feel, and I do not pretend to feel things I do not.
At the conclusion of my soul-searching, I've realized that I can sleep at night.
I know at the end of each day that I have tried my hardest to do good for the world, be a friend to my friends, love openly and be honest in my dealings.
That is who I am, and who I will continue to be.
3 comments:
I think you're great Erin! I always respected you growing up because you lived in Utah in my Mom's hometown close to Grandma and Grandpa. I thought you were so lucky for that and also to have a creek in your backyard! Now, I think you are awesome too! You have always been a lot of fun. Although sometimes I miss that glasses wearing, braided pigtail, braces-wearing, musical girl...I like the woman you have become. I know you are open and honest and it never offends me. I think you are just happy to be who you are.
Nice to meet you. It seems like feeling inferior in high school is a horrible right of passage. BUT seeing some of the so called cool crowd land on their face as an adult seem to help. :P (A little) Now in adulthood we just have to remember to let our freak flags fly! I love you for who you are and some day hope some of that bluntness rubs off on me.
The fact that you can point out your qualities and attributes, both good and bad, is awesome. We all have our quirks, and if you can embrace them and learn to love them, you always end up much happier.
It's too bad some people feel the need to sugar-coat everything or hide the truth for the sake of appeasement. I really enjoy the fact that you tell it "like it is" - there's no guessing games involved, and you're being true to yourself. People who can't handle the truth need to HTFU and learn to deal with things they may not necessarily agree with. Welcome to life.
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