The spirit of Christmas is presents. And y'all aint gettin' none.

I have managed to not put any presents on my credit card this year.
This is a damn Christmas miracle.

Oh wait, when I start thinking about why I haven't, I realize that it's because I've been a tight ass this year.  I'll apologize in advance to anyone who thinks they might be getting something from me. Instead, you're all getting a hug and a York peppermint patty. But not the big individual ones, the small ones that come in a bag. And only one.

Which brings me to the topic of finding my Christmas present today. Or actually just stumbling upon it.
I went to put some cat toys back in Satan's basket, and there it was.
Haphazardly shoved behind the love seat in the worst hiding spot of all time.

I'm going to be pretty excited on Christmas morning..... and I might be the only one.

Skinny girls are whores. End of discussion.

And I mean "whore"
in the most polite and jealous "everything-looks-good-on-you-stupid-bitches sort of way"......

Yesterday I confirmed something that I'd thought to be true. I'm usually always pretty much absolutely right.
About everything.
But sometimes I have to prove that I'm right to myself.


Fat girls can't wear skinny jeans.


Just because they make them that big does not make it in any way right.

I literally LOLed at myself in the dressing room last night. There was this triangle shaped mess looking back at me and it was hilarious.

Oh well. At least I can add this to my extravagantly long list of "shit I'm right about".

The death of my soulmate(s).

Yesterday I said goodbye to some good friends. Granted, we hadn't connected for the past couple years, it was still hard. Even when you know the time is coming, and denial sets in, it's still hard.

Our relationship started about 8 years ago. We met through our mutual friend, Erica. She convinced me that we'd be great together. I had my reservations, but finally gave in. We spent many happy years together and fond memories. They were always there for me, and swore that their mere presence made my ass look smaller.

We hadn't gotten together for quite a while because of the extent of my friend's deterioration. Every time I saw them, I knew the time was drawing near, but refused to accept it.

Last night was the end.  I put a plastic bag over them and drew it tight.


I put their lifeless bodies in the garbage can and had a moment of silence.

You will be missed, best shoes EVER, you will be missed.

Today begins the rest of my relatively short life

I stumbled upon this website today has this article
7 Thoughts that are bad for you.
It goes through 7 thoughts that supposedly knock minutes off your lifespan.
I'm going to share my thoughts with you on these feelings even without you asking. You're welcome.

7. Cynicism.
Oh, Yeah, I'm definitely a cynic. Or maybe a realist.  I think there's probably a pretty damn fine line between cynicism and realism if you think about it. Apparently being a cynic will give me a 25% greater chance of obtaining heart disease. Well if that isn't cynical...

6. Lack of Meaning.
Apparently, not having goals and aspirations in life will cut your stay short. This does not apply to me. I know full well that the purpose of my life is to be an enigma to modern science and prove that it IS possible to support human life solely on Mt. Dew and 7-11 nachos.

5. Fretting.
I don't really do much of this. Sometimes my verbal vomiting gets me in trouble and I wish for half a second that I wouldn't have said something.... but then I realize that it was probably for the best and  I'm over it. I don't think this will contribute to my untimely demise.

4. Lack of Self Control.
This article seems to express that organization is a big part of self control. I think I'm good here too. Clean stuff goes on hangers, dirty stuff goes on the floor. Don't drink before 5 pm (unless you're on vacation or shopping or depressed or thirsty). Organized AND in control.

3. Anxiety.
I will admit that I have moments of anxiety. When I think about it though, it's mostly other people's actions that make me nervous, not so much my own.  When Manuel flies by the seat of his pants and refuses to make plans 9 months in advance, I get a little bit anxious.  Not my problem though, that's totally his.

2. Gloom and Doom.
Again, this doesn't really apply to me as much as it does other people. I don't have gloom and doom thoughts about myself, but more others. I have a mild case of road rage and often threaten to follow douchey drivers and "teach them a lesson". Manuel then reminds me that he's not going to fight my battles and I make the executive decision of flight rather than fight. What good is a muscular sidekick when he won't fight your ridiculously underthought battles?  I'm holding out that one day he'll defend my honor and redeem himself.

1. Stress.
Ah Stress. I stress at work in short bursts around deadline time, but the rest is pretty smooth sailing. 
I stress at home when my house isn't as clean as my sister's and she's coming over, but I think I've come to the conclusion that it will NEVER be that clean so I might as well give up.
I stress about money pretty regularly, but I guess if that got to be a big enough issue I could always move back home and empty the dishwasher for rent.
I stress about the environment and get upset when people aren't doing their share, but I heard once that a true environmentalist would have to end up committing suicide because they could never fully erase their impact on the earth.
I've stressed a lot this year in particular about relationships and have come to the conclusion that good ones shouldn't stress you out at all.
I don't really stress about my health much because the nachos keep me pretty regular.

It only takes one person to ruin it for the whole class.

So here's the deal, friends.  I realize that having a stalker would imply that I'm super duper neat and rad. Someone thinks I'm bomb diggity enough to obsessively check my blog multiple times per day.
This should bring flattery and reaffirm what I've known all along: 
I'm totally kickass.

HOWEVER. This is not the case. I'm actually annoyed.

If you're one of my subscribers that DOES enjoy my blog and thinks I'm cooler than sliced bread, shoot me an email because I'm going private at the first of the year: lairlyn AT gmail DOT com.
Don't be shy: there are certainly a share of blogs I enjoy reading of people whom I vaguely know or don't know at all.

Blog stalking is fun! Just not when you're the one being stalked, and it's by a creeper that most likely takes voodoo dolls of you to bed instead of taping your picture to the ceiling and hoping the masking tape gives out.

This has been a hard decision since I'm a big fan of saying how I feel and not really caring who knows it.  Oh well.

Get your ern fill while you can, Stalkzilla. You're gettin' cut off!

American Holiday: All about the fatties.

Last night was BFF Thanksgiving 09er.
Some of these little wiseasses made jokes about what they were thankful for, but in reality I think we were all thankful to just be around each other.
Thanksgiving is a great holiday because it revolves around food. If you've not picked up on this little nugget, I'll fill you in.  I love food.
Hello, holiday that encourages you to eat until you cannot physically move and must unbutton your jeans.  WINNER.



<-- Some random crap meticulously placed in a bowl. That's right ladies, you can call me Martha.

 <-- Turkey straight out of the Keg Roaster. Kudos, Keystone Light, you served your purpose well...

 <--Yeah, it was THIS GOOD.
 




 <-- The only time EVER that more than four burners would have come in handy. You can rest now little stove, you probably won't get used again till next year....

<-- Mmmmm this is what Thanksgiving is all about, 3/4 carbs to 1/4 protein ratio :)

<-- PIE. OMG.

<-- Aww. Tender moment.

 <-- Aww. Ruined moment. Jackass.

<-- The girls, and I think there's a Larsen under there somewhere....



I love muh friends and I'm glad we got to do this. Oh, I also love pie. Amen.

What I've gotten myself into now....

Quite a while ago, Laura mentioned stumbling upon a website for a charity that accepts knitted eight inch squares and sews them into blankets for orphaned children in South Africa. This appealed to me since I'm a sucker for service projects and knitting is something I love.
About a month ago I started looking into it deeper and decided I wanted to plan some sort of drive to collect squares to send. I mentioned on my Facebook page that I'd be collecting them, and Rebecca offered her assistance in my crazy scheme.
Rebecca wrote an article that was put in the News Journal and we planned a "Knit-a-Square Day" for last Saturday. A girl from the Standard-Examiner even called to interview me and did a story.
I did some research on postage and found that a 20 lb. box would cost about $53 to mail. I worried that I'd never collect 20 pounds of knitted squares.

Laura asked me what my expectations were, and I told her that I had none.  I planned on sending the 15 or so squares that I'd done, and anything above that would be fantastic. She told me that she thought 500 was a good number. At which point I told her that she was a lunatic.

The turnout on Saturday was overwhelming.  People kept dropping off squares they'd knit or crochet and I was genuinely amazed. My fear of not having enough squares to send quickly turned into "how the hell am I going to raise enough money to send all the squares I have?!"

Going from having no expectations to sitting in a huge pile of handiwork was crazy, but looking at the bigger picture, it's such a drop in the bucket.

"The aim of knit-a-square is to raise as much awareness as possible for the plight of the children of South Africa. As well as to warm them with beautifully hand knitted and crocheted blankets from around the world. The issue of children orphaned by HIV/AIDS is widely unknown around the world. There are 1.4 million children already orphaned in South Africa followed by a sickening 500 children orphaned daily. This is so sad and one of the biggest issues in the world today." - Kalai McDonald, Knit-a-Square

We've collected 395 squares so far, which will go towards keeping 15 children warm. 15 kids out of 1,500,000. Wow.

The feeling of great pleasure over the amount of squares collected is quickly dispelled by a look at the numbers. 
I guess I just need to remember that as a community, we HAVE helped 15 children that otherwise wouldn't have received a blanket. 
Looking at the amount of good that's been done is easier than looking at the amount of work that needs to still be done.

This time of year gets everyone thinking about what they're thankful for, what they have.  Take a second to think about what's great about your life and the freedoms and opportunities you enjoy. Then take a second to think about people who have it a lot worse than you.

Next time you see the Salvation Army bellringers at Wal-Mart- don't avoid making eye contact and shuffle by, smile and give them your pocket change. They're out there freezing their asses off trying to make life better for someone else.

And next time you see me, cough up ten bucks for postage, I got some damn squares to send!