I'll be the awkward one, in the back, staring at the floor

On Wednesday I had lunch with Becky.  Well, it was meant to be lunch, but it lasted 4 hours. I hadn't seen her for a while, so there was a lot to talk about.  More specifically, I hadn't seen her since just before her Grandpa died a month ago and she went to California for a week. Which brought us to the topic of death.
We discussed death, funerals, connections to people and how we deal with grief.

Not surprisingly, another weird thing we have in common: The inability to deal with death. We talked about never knowing what to say to someone that's lost a loved one. Do you leave them alone?  Do you suffocate them with, "Do you need anything? Can I make you a casserole? Do you need your car vacuumed?" 

I admitted that I pretty much leave people alone.  I'll tell them I'm sorry and ask if there's anything I can do for them, and then I let them be.  Maybe that's how I'd like to be treated? I don't know. Maybe I just feel so awkward knowing what they're going through that I don't even want to talk about it with them. Probably.

We talked for quite awhile about this, and I realized how weird death makes me. Almost like I can't even handle being around a person that's lost someone because I genuinely do not know what to do.  I feel retarded and completely useless.  I hurt for them, yet can't quite let them know. It probably makes me look like an emotionless asshole, when it's exactly the opposite.
I thought about things that I'd try to do from now on when presented with this situation.

And then yesterday, as I was climbing in the truck to go to a softball game with Manuel, he was on the phone with his Mom.  She was telling him that his cousin had died. 

Here it was.  So soon.  And I froze.

My heart broke. 
There was no outward way Manny could have known it, but it did.

Knowing that someone I care about is instantly in pain kills me.
Especially when I can't seem to even verbalize my condolences.

So here it is.  Friends, when you lose someone you love, if you need me, just tell me.  I'd do anything for you, and I'll be wishing I could.

Otherwise, know that I'll be here quietly worrying about you.
I'll probably just never be able to tell you.